12/9/15 - Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult (Bumper sticker from my Sister)

Now this is really off the charts. Even though my wife and I had great closure, not like losing someone in a car crash, I was devastated. This is the weird part: during the first few weeks following her demise, I would sometimes put her urn on her pillow and sleep with her. Sometimes while watching TV I would put her urn next to me on the couch. Now the only normal thing I did was cry myself to sleep. Thank God this only lasted for a few weeks. Then the loneliness set in. I have had long discussions with myself as to whether it is loneliness or being alone. There is a difference. (The photo is me a few months after my wife's passing. I am offering up prayers at the Boudhanath Stupa , Kathmandu, Nepal).

After having a "full time" job taking care of my wife I was now alone in the house, alone in the world except for my loving Sister in another state. Yeh, I have four children, but it's kind of hard to discuss my feelings with them. So I would walk around the house aimlessly and drink. I didn't get drunk, just drank wine constantly to keep the mind numb. The drinking went on for years until a medical condition gave me the option to quit. But more on that later.

The grass around the headstone was clipped on a regular basis. I would often just sit at the headstone and talk to her. She was my wife, my lover and my best friend ... and now all that was gone. I still keep the grass clipped and talk to her, but after four years I have visited her less frequently. I think I am growing up and settling in.

During the past four years I have become more comfortable being alone. The loneliness has subsided, though I still get bouts of loneliness now and then. I have become involved with non-profit organizations as a volunteer and am a frequent visitor at my local library. I currently have begun taking long walks and hikes for exercise. I live in a small historic east coast town and can walk to the town green, library, town hall and shopping. Most evenings I read. My usual fair is two to three books a week. I read ... waiting for bedtime where in sleep I find solace and peace.

I tried hanging out at the local community center, aka. senior center, but the people there are too old. At 78 I feel and act as if I am still in my 50s and 60s. Sometimes my body reminds me otherwise, but not often. My biggest complaint is that I have neuropathy (which in my case is a nerve problem between the spine and the legs manifesting itself as having pins and needles in the top of my feet. Sometimes big pins and needles). I have gone through more medications in the past five years than I can count. However I recently discovered that the wine was a big contributor to my problem. Aw shit, I have to give up the booze. I was a happy camper when I drank myself to sleep. but then I would wake up three hours later with my feet feeling like they were on fire. And drink again until I fell back to sleep. I was totally fucked up.

On November 23rd of 2015 I made the move. I gave up drinking. My life turned around ... I traded booze for less pain and better sleep. I have a new med that helps (now that I have stopped drinking). I have more energy and don't walk around in a fog. I discovered however that I can have one glass of wine with supper, but that is the limit. 

Oh well ... enough for now. Coming up next: a "visit" from my wife and senior dating web site.